Why I Don’t Own a Tie

Derek Everything Else 2 Comments

I hate ties.

Once upon a time I did own one. I’ll even admit it was an attractive tie – shiny maroon swirls overlapped with small black squares. I sure did receive my fair share of compliments whenever I wore it, often being labeled a ‘trendsetter’ by my colleagues (although it might have been ‘bed wetter’…I’m not exactly certain).

Nonetheless, I didn’t hesitate to add that one tie to a large pile of clothes I was sending over to the local Goodwill last year. I cheerfully dropped it, maroon swirls and all, in the bag with a “thanks for the memories amigo, I won’t be needing your services any more.” And I haven’t owned one since.

What’s my problem with ties?

Look, they don’t make anyone an evil human being. I just personally feel a bit restricted when I’m wearing one. It’s as if I’m adhering to a rule designed to make sure my life follows a well-trodden path of normalcy that I don’t particularly care to follow. Kind of like buying a salmon-colored toilet seat cover to match the salmon-colored soap dish in the bathroom.

You know how when you put on a tie you suddenly feel a bit stiff, nausea and overweight? Yeah, it’s pretty uncomfortable, I know. Why subject yourself to such nonsense? Especially when you should be trying to live a life of freedom, a concept not usually associated with tying things tightly around one’s neck.

Who came up with this idea anyway? (Croatian soldiers in the 17th century in case you were wondering) A long piece of cloth tied in a funky knot…someone just as easily could’ve said, let’s take off our shirts, stick tortillas on our stomachs and I’ll see you at the wedding.

There’s a reason the first thing any tie-wearing person does upon finishing whatever it is that requires them to wear a tie (i.e. work) is to violently tear it off and toss it across the room. Nobody wants to wear them, yet everybody does.

Sure, there are millions of other cultural rules out there that I follow without even giving a second thought, such as using too much toilet paper, ordering three pieces of cheesecake after eating the Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp at the Cheesecake Factory and feigning interest in small talk. But this tie thing really bothers me…and I won’t even mention what happened the one time I put on cuff links.

The last time I wore a tie was when I was working on board a cruise ship back in late 2006. It was a standard, navy blue, company-issued tie. Not the most attractive, although it was snazzy enough to get me a photo with our celebrity guest Dr. Ruth! I wonder what she’d say about ties? Actually, on second thought, I don’t really want to know…dirty talk from an 80 year-old woman also bothers me.

Well, I’m done with ties. You won’t see me wearing one again. Period. In fact, I’m strongly considering the stomach and tortilla option the next time I’m expected to don some formal attire.

Why not? Life needs to be spiced up a bit…and I don’t mean by wearing some bright, trippy tie and loosening the knot. I mean by doing your own thing and not blindly following the norm. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else or the planet we live on…then I say ‘go for it!

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Comments 2

  1. To mention Thanks for the other RED tie you gave me before you left the ship! I still have it tucked away in a box for the next time that I may need to one…. I dont think anytime soon though. That alternative to the tie fits my taste quite well. Im all about keeping it simple.

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