“The norms are different in my society and we don’t need special places to socialize. Every house, every street corner, everywhere is a pub here.” – an Indian friend of mine.
You know what I’m talking about. Don’t you? Please tell me I wasn’t the only one clapping?
Here’s my problem. Back in July, I was in Brooklyn visiting two of my closest friends. One Friday night we ventured over to the popular outdoor bar “Habana Outpost” for a few beers. Without hesitation, my two friends began socializing with the crowd of young New Yorkers, chatting away with the people at the next table and even introducing themselves to several young ladies that happened to walk by.
As for me, I sat there and tried to count how many people walked in and out of the pizza place across the street.
Traditional social scenes have become difficult for me to handle. I don’t know how to behave and I don’t know what to say. I’d be fine if you threw me into a small karaoke room in the middle of Thailand and told me to start singing “Stuck on You” with a group of Thai people I didn’t know. But put me in a room full of people I’m not acquainted with back in the USA and I’m as lost as a falafel sandwich in Papua New Guinea.
After years of traveling, I definitely have wild stories to tell, I’m more open-minded and I’m more comfortable among a diverse range of people…but I’ve discovered that this means diddley if I’m unable to actually begin the socializing process in the first place.
Maybe it’s because the traditional, and more formal, sense of socializing that occurs at home often begins with questions that I struggle with - “What do you do for a living?”, “Did you see Kobe Bryant’s dunk last night?” or “Did you catch that episode of Lost?”. My answers would be ‘I’m not actually sure’, ‘No’ and ‘No’, putting me immediately on the outside of many a conversation.
How Did This Happen?
I’m certain that my current social awkwardness is related to my nomadic lifestyle. By spending so much time away from traditional, young-adult forms of socializing, my ability to mix and mingle with people in the real world has vanished. (Spending an excessive amount of time on tiny islands and remote beach communities probably hasn’t helped much either.)
When a person travels in lands far away, they often don’t have to give any thought to socializing as it tends to happen naturally. As stated in the quote at the start of this post, in many parts of the world, the people don’t need special places to socialize. EVERY HOME, EVERY STREET CORNER, EVERYWHERE IS A PUB. Whether being invited by strangers to join their family celebrations or sharing a meal with people you just met in the street, you just don’t need to plan or seek out your social interactions. They come to you. Heck, it is even much easier to strike up a conversation with the bikini-clad Swiss girl in the hammock next to you on some beach in Vietnam than it is to converse with a friend of a friend in a bar back home.
“How many times during his adventures does the traveler meet a stranger who invites him home to meet the entire family and is then invited to stay there until dinner and then the invitation is extended to include staying the night, and the night involves socializing with the family and many other relatives and friends from the neighborhood who have joined them as well?”
If you’ve spent much time traveling, you know that some version of the above happens quite regularly. As a result, this has become my idea of socializing.
But how many times has such a scene played out when at home? Never.
In the end, the number of interactions a traveler has with strangers on any given day is infinitely more than what would occur in a normal month back in the USA. And that one fact makes all the difference. When traveling, you don’t need a support group of your peers to accompany you to a special location in order to try your hand at meeting new people. All you need to do is return the greetings you receive from complete strangers.
Where Did You Get Your Pants?
When I was in Delhi back in June I needed to buy some pants. As I was roaming the streets of Connaught Place, I noticed a group of young Indians sitting in a small park. There were two females and one male and they were all wearing what I considered to be pants of an unusually high quality for India. I walked straight up to them and asked them where they bought their pants. Not only did they tell me, but they ended up taking me around to their favorite clothing shops over the course of the afternoon as I tried on different pairs of pants. We engaged in interesting conversations, spent a lot of time laughing, shared some chai and street food and became friends. There was no awkwardness involved from beginning to end, it was as natural as a Mexican pouring Worcestershire sauce on their pizza (it’s what they do and yes, it tastes as terrible as it sounds).
Where To Go From Here?
Be the change. That’s what everyone always says, so I guess it’s time.
In five days I’ll actually be heading back to the USA for a short visit, so I’m going to try and change my approach to socializing. My plan is to turn “everywhere into a pub” and be more social with strangers. I’ll start by talking to as many strangers as I can every day – on the street, in the elevator, in line at the grocery store, while stopped at a traffic light. Perhaps I’ll even invite a stranger to join my friends and I for dinner or at least for a drink.
I want to meet new people through the normal interactions of everyday life, not by having to down a few whiskey shots in order to build up enough courage to look away from the pizza place across the street.
That post really made me seem like a social reject! Although I’m no Hugh Jackman, I’m no Mr. Bean either. I just find it troubling that there is such a lack of human connection in so many ‘advanced’ countries that socializing with strangers is so difficult and full of absurd pressures.
But out of curiosity, was anyone else clapping their hands? Has anyone experienced the differences in socializing while traveling versus when at home?
Back in 1999, I left home for a 3 month trip to Asia that has still yet to end.
Thank you for this post!
Coming back to the US has always been a disheartening process for me because of the “social awkwardness” you described. I’m a very outgoing person and I have no trouble making great friends while traveling, but back in the US I sometimes feel that I have nothing to talk about even with the people I call my closest friends.
It makes sense that when you are away from US pop-culture your ability to make small talk will diminish, but I think this disconnect can be attributed to something deeper than that. In my experience, people who see travel as a lifestyle tend not to keep track of the latest episode of Lost, or who broke up with whom. When I returned from a 3-month stint volunteering at a birthing center in Indonesia, I might of had some knowledge of the latest buzz news, but my mind was majorly occupied by experiences with malnutrition, infant-mortality, the dangers of living next to a monkey forest…things the average 21 year-old in the US isn’t generally familiar with.
When you travel, your vocabulary expands. You relate to people based on more common experiences like compassion or exploration. If you tried to make friends in Argentina while only talking about pop-cultural central to Brooklyn, you might not receive so many invitations to meet the family and stay for dinner.
For now, I tend to vacillate between adopting a more “every corner is a pub” type attitude, as you said you’d try, and keeping to myself. I’ve had amazing fun inviting everyone everywhere, stopping to chat with people on street corners in NYC, and generally being far more open to interaction than the average New Yorker. In such a big, crowded city, it helped me lose sight of my anonymity and make friends with the man who lived in a cardboard box outside my apartment, the owners of the corner deli, my neighbors, my professors, etc.
And still, all of that openness pushes me to the other end of the spectrum of “socially awkward” and I stand out anyway…
I do apologize for the long and rambling reply to your post! It’s 5:30am and I can’t sleep, so I decided to comment. Thanks again for the post and keep us updated on the results of your changed social attitude next time you get to the US.
Hey Jackie – That’s not bad for 5:30am! It is true, whenever I return from traveling, the last thing on my mind is pop-culture as I’m still processing the adventures and education that I just experienced overseas. And the longer that the traveling continues, the greater the gap between what concerns me versus what concerns others my age who have chosen a more routine path. As for always standing out as ‘awkward’, I say keep on talking to those strangers…those interactions are sure to be rewarding and inspiring for everyone involved.
Hey Mixmaster E,
A good friend of mine once taught me that “you need to ask a second question of everyone you meet”.
I’ve taken this to heart and now it leads to amazing interactions everywhere from an elevator to an airplane. A quick question beyond the obvious boring ones breeds the most amazing conversations.
You’re awesome. Keep it up.
Si
Alright Si, I’ll start doing that myself. The idea is definitely to get beyond the standard first questions that are asked (not for the answers but just to fill the time or because we’re supposed to ask ‘what do you do?’. I’m sure a lot of people don’t expect those second questions (assuming they’re interesting, which I’m sure they are coming from you!) and as a result the conversation turns from small-talk to something with more substance.
I read every single word in this post from beginning to end, and related to every single thing you said. Just last night I was with a group of people here in the U.S., and upon being asked what I do…I just don’t know what to say. And then I end up looking like I’m the idiot! Same with TV shows and movies. No clue.
You know what….there is a sense on anonymity when you travel. You’re the foreigner. People might not understand where you come from and have a full understanding of your culture. Because of that, it’s just easier to socialize. There are no preconceived notions of who you have to be.
I imagine you might be an introvert of sorts…well, I am too. Introvert isn’t a dirty, four letter word either. I’m fine with the fact that I can sit in the corner and observe. I don’t feel the need to engage in conversations that are of no interest to me. At the same time, I do try to push myself and talk to strangers more and engage in meaningful conversations with them. I think you’re learning to do the same, which is awesome!
I would agree that the lack of preconceived notions plays a role when traveling. Generally, nobody cares what you do, where you’re from, how you look or why there is a orange rabbit tattooed on your back, they see a foreigner and feel that is a good enough reason to invite you to join them in their socializing. And as you mentioned you’re doing, I’m hoping that talking to strangers more often will lead to the interesting conversations that I seek, but that I feel are not possible in many traditional social settings where the conversations don’t interest me. Thanks for the comment Nate!
I remember a very distinct moment on my last flight back to the U.S. when I realize that I no longer had a language barrier with the people around me. For a moment, I was totally relieved and a sense of calm set in. Three seconds later, I remembered that it didn’t matter because nobody talks to each other without a premise anyway.
From a different angle… When my pasty white skin, spiky black hair, and eyeliner go out in Central America, I tend to get rockstar attention. Like… people seriously refusing to believe that I’m not a rockstar. Sometimes I try to blend in, but find I stick out no matter what. On the other hand, I can easily become a “nobody” back home. The difference between being a sort of… oddity… and being indistinguishable changes the entire paradigm for me. Sure, “people are strange, when you’re a stranger”, but that seems to make people want to engage me.
Does any of that come into play in your awkward moments?
Andrew – You definitely got me thinking. Perhaps a lack of being an ‘oddity’ is what makes socializing back in the US so difficult. Not that I’m looking for constant attention, but as you mentioned, being an ‘oddity’ is usually impossible to avoid when traveling (for me, because I travel to areas far off the normal travelers routes – that’s my spiky hair and eyeliner!). And as a result, the strangers come to me with extended hand and interesting questions.
Since you rarely come across a true ‘oddity’ when back home, due to the diversity, there is no initial attraction that makes people want to engage with each other (such as appearing to be a rockstar). As a result, we spit out empty small-talk and have difficulty getting beyond that point, and that leads to awkward moments for me, because I don’t know how and am not interested in such interactions.
When you’re at home, do you do anything different so that people will want to engage you or are you content to become a “nobody” until you get to leave the country again?
Nate- I really agree with you. In the back of my mind something tells me that the outcome of the situation doesn’t really matter because i’m in a strange land. But back in America I feel conscious of whatever I do i will be judged and that stops me from feeling comfortable enough to be as social as I would like.
Earl- That’s a great point that social situations end up coming to us when traveling.
The invitations to dinner and other social gatherings while abroad could be the best reason to travel. It happens so surprisingly often and is the best.
Andrew beat me to the punch (again).
When I’m a foreigner I get attention. I stand out. People approach me and are interested in me. I’m a rockstar.
When I get back to the States I blend in.
Try wearing something ‘crazy’ out and I’ll guarantee you’ll get the attention you’re missing.
It depends on what I’m up for. I can dress the same way I described above and go to a country bar and get plenty of attention. If I add the kilt in with the above mix, I can stand out in most places pretty easily.
Sometimes it’s nice to just blend in. It’s definitely an interesting social experiment to just switch things up with an extremely different look and see how differently people respond. I’d recommend playing around with it.
I see your point on standing out just by being off the beaten path. That amplifies everything that much more. Interesting.
I think its just matter of having the right attitude… I’ve been traveling for 9 years and based on my experience, I could say its just matter on working on our empathy and focusing on seeing the positive side on every conversation. You can always learn a good lesson from anyone; you just need to keep your mind open so you give yourself an opportunity to make the most out of it.
Another important thing is: travelers have an important responsibility because thanks to their experience abroad, you can help others see things through your eyes, making them more conscious about real things that happen outside of their comfort zone. Share your anecdotes with friends or complete strangers, you might be able to make a difference in somebody’s life without even realizing it!!
Great post Earl ~ I’m not currently a nomad, but can definitely identify….If You’re a Socially Awkward person & You Know It…Clap Your Hands!
Jen
Thanks Jen! I KNEW that I heard someone else clapping!!
Mate, I love the picture. Now where can I get some swimwear like that.
Haha…which ones? There are so many unique styles to choose from!
I love this post! It is so so true! I sometimes regret returning home after a trip, because I dread the awkwardness of people in cities where I am from and the clique-ness of them all with poor social skills!
I love your plans of what to do this time you return home, good luck with it, you might just inspire me to do the same!
Hey Cailin – thank you for commenting! You know what, it actually worked. Ever since writing this particular post, I have really focused on speaking to as many people as possible that I come into contact with. And it really didn’t take long for it to become natural. I have now met several interesting people both at home and in Mexico where I am currently living just by saying hello and seeing where it leads. I highly recommend you trying it out, because I know exactly how frustrating it can be when returning home after some traveling!
Hello again!
As time is going on through out college, traveling the world is at the top of my list. My question is about being careful of who you interact with. If you are invited by a stranger to their home, is their a little fear that they are not really taking you some place to strip you down of your possessions. As an american, we are always told to be very cautious of who we meet in foreign places and keep your eyes open. How comfortable are you with following a complete stranger in a foreign country back to his home to meet his family. Have you ever had a bad experience?
Hey Nathan – I think that fear is a little bit exaggerated and as long as you exercise simple common sense, you’ll avoid finding yourself in any sticky situations. After all, the world is much safer and friendly than we are led to believe that the chances of someone inviting you home to steal all over your possessions is quite slim. You certainly don’t hear about such incidents often, or at all for that matter! And in my 12 years of traveling, I’ve met and followed dozens upon dozens of complete strangers, into their vehicles, to their homes and in some cases, to completely different towns after knowing them for a short time. And not once have I had any trouble.
Again, if the situation doesn’t seem right, then politely decline the invitation and once you get out there into the world, you’ll find that it becomes much easier to judge a person’s intentions. Luckily, the overwhelming majority of people in any country have good intentions and you’ll have nothing to worry about at all!
I absolutely, totally relate to what you’re saying about the social awkwardness of being back home after you travel. The truth is, while humanity and people are fundamentally the same everywhere, I think everyday life in North America in particular, and many places in general, numbs most people to the beauty and wonder of the world. For instance, I’ve stopped even talking about my travels to anyone at home, not because I wouldn’t like to share what I’ve learned and in turn hear about some of their experiences in life, but rather most people simply can’t relate. And the truth is that I can’t relate to their lives being defined by the work they do, what happened on “Lost” or a reality show or something. Even if people wanted to talk about local culture, arts, or anything like that, chances are I’d be able to engage in a meaningful conversation. But after you’ve travelled a bit and had certain experiences that change you profoundly, it’s basically impossible to engage in the kind of conversation that most people engage in, in North America at least. It exists other places as well of course, but my context is North America since I’m from Canada.
A natural thing happens. You start to attract a different type of person – whether you’re at home or elsewhere in the world, especially as you realize the whole world can and is ultimately your home. Very few people want to talk about universal truths or even realize they are important to talk about sometimes, and very few people can generally relate to things that are outside their sphere of lived experience. So you end up only talking to people based on values-based conversations. And wouldn’t you rather do that instead of relating to “America’s Top Model” anyway? A funny thing happens when you travel – you see the world, you experience it, and in some ways you move beyond some of the material aspects of the world that define so many people. So naturally, you can’t have those kinds of conversations anymore and in fact you can be thankful for that! In some ways maybe you have fewer interactions with fewer people when you get back (compared to when you’re in other countries), but my experience at least, has been that those interactions have been far more meaningful and of higher quality than if I’d tried to “fit in” to the mainstream in North America.
Hey Indrani – I think the last line of what you wrote is the most important. I’ve also found it better to simply accept that your life is different than those who have not traveled extensively and instead of trying to find a way to fit back in, look for others who you may be able to connect with. It doesn’t mean you have to shut everyone out of your life, but the reality is, just like you mentioned, it does become increasingly more difficult to communicate with people whose lives are so different.
Luckily, there are other travelers out there to connect with and even better, an entire world of like-minded people on line. So these days, you’re never too far away from a good conversation, even if it is only over email for a while
When you travel to other countries, especially off the beaten path, aren’t some of your most interesting encounters with local people that may have never travelled very far and have a day to day life that differs from yours? The connections come from a shared humanity seen through eyes that accept the differences. While it is more difficult to communicate, we do so because we are curious and the rewards are many. Although it is nice to share notes with fellow travelers, and much can be learned, it is the unexpected meeting up of minds with people who’s lives are so different from mine that open the mind and heart. That shared humanity can also be found with western people who are into American pop culture; when talking to them, I try to pretend I’m in a different country, meeting someone that has a different life from mine. Also, many people overseas are very curious about American pop culture and will ask you about, so it helps to have some knowledge about it.
Thanks for this post – I stumbled upon it after a recent trip home and it made me feel like less alone in my social awkwardness while there. In my travels, I will talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime. At “home”? Even conversations with some of my oldest friends were difficult in that we didn’t have those usual “go-to” topics that we always had before i skipped town. And with strangers? Forget it – that old insecurity of “why would that person want to talk to me” creeps back in and i’m a shy, introverted girl again.
For me, i think part of the impetus of socializing abroad is a realization – at a very low, nearly subconscious level – that if i don’t act more extroverted, I am not going to talk to anyone but myself for long periods of time. it also feels less awkward; in the U.S., we often need a reason (other than just wanting to know another human being) to talk to a stranger, and so I worry “oh dear, does that man/woman/child think i am hitting on them/want something from them/am going to hurt them?” whereas in another country, those worries drop away and curiosity takes over. And it is true, as a foreigner, the social scene comes to me; i simply have to respond, to be open, to say “yes” when it feels right.
clapping!
Ha ha so true , the last time I returned home from travelling this is what happened to me too ! People were talking about all this stuff that I had nothing in common with anymore …
Just from reading a few of your blogs, you sound like a soldier who just returned from a tour and can’t wait to get back out there to his unit overseas for another tour.. and PS: your life is fucking awesome =)
I absolutely resonated with that (including the cross between Hugh Jackman and Mr. Bean). I actually laughed out loud after I read the first few paragraphs! I’d never really put to much thought into it, it was just there, but on “paper” so to speak, I couldn’t help but laugh at the hilarity of the truth. Thanks for brightening my day
Hey Brittany – Glad to know that you, too, can identify with such awkwardness. Let us hope we don’t fall all the way to the Mr. Bean level at some point!